我的藏獒开了我的花苞

Though I know I do not carry a pup there is this indescribable fluttering sensation in the pit of my belly. A sort of keen anticipation I suppose that somehow there is a possibility that I could bear fruit through a miracle. After urinating on the first stick I quickly exchange it with the second, this is quite uncomfortable I must admit. There are no pregnancy tests back home I wonder how Phobos would have tested me he probably would have sought the aid of traditional procedures that only the healer knows how to carry out.

"Theia? Do you need any help?" Lumina asks softly with a slight knock on the bathroom door.

"I am done. I just need a few more seconds." I whisper whilst getting up to place the sticks over the counter and flush the toilet. Whilst scrubbing my hands in the basin my uneasy globes keep flickering to the tests a sense of profound nervosity filling me up. What are you looking for, Theia? What are you even hoping for despite knowing the reality of your body?

With my hands on my hips, I pace around the washroom chewing on my lower lip taking continuous glances at the sticks waiting for the results to show up. Once I discover something appearing on the test windows I rush to them picking them up with a fleetness. My heart thumps heavily under my ribcage as I examine them with yearning taking deep long breaths to calm myself.

It takes a mere few seconds for me to shield my eyes with my trembling palms as high-pitched whines part my mouth whilst I weep noiselessly wheezing and suffocating on my uncontrollable tears. I knew this was a bad idea I knew seeing negative results would undoubtedly bother me. But how could I tell Cronus about my barrenness? It would bring immense shame to our family and the news would kill my mother from the inside. I can never birth a pup, I can never get pregnant. I need to make peace with this instead of futile hoping and longing. I can never be a mother.

Phobos has nothing to honestly lose if I leave now, he has Argus as his heir and perhaps Moira would take over my Luna duties including warming his bed for according to Phobos\'s words he has beastly cravings. They could make a beautiful family together for she can give him everything I cannot. Her womb is healthy she can birth him as many pups as he wants and as the pack demands.

"Open the door for me, little wolf." Cronus\'s concerned voice has me spring up from my pitiful state upon the wet floor and hastily wipe my tears away with the rear of my palms. Put on your mask, Theia. No one needs to know the bleeding of your heart. You can survive this.

"Coming." I chirp back keeping my tone serene and bright. Unlocking the door I pull it open and greet them both with a dull smile whilst handing the sticks to Lumina who has her hands reached forward to collect them. "It is as I told you Cronus, I am not pregnant. So there is no need to worry." His shoulders sag in relief and he comes forward to ruffle my hair.

Lumina visibly stiffens in her spot her eyes enlarging as she peeks up at me first and then at Cronus. "What is it? What is wrong?" He too tenses up to her reactions and takes a glimpse at the tests glowering down at them endeavouring to understand how they work just I like did inside the bathroom earning a playful giggle from me in return.

"Theia, do you not know how to read these tests?"

"I mean it is simple, it showed a straight line which is a negative sign yes?"

"It shows two lines, not just one." Cronus and I frown with bewilderment. Does it not mean the same? I thought if one is pregnant it would show a plus sign.

"I do not understand what you are trying to say." I shake my head my mind churning with puzzlement as I take a stumbling step backwards holding onto the doorframe for support as the room around me spins and I enter into a world of haze and uncertainty.

"What the fuck is wrong with my sister, Lumina?" Cronus\'s chest heaves his worried greens set firmly on her thinking it is something to do with my health whilst Lumina stares at me with a look of tenderness and happiness that immobilizes me.

"There is nothing wrong with her, Cronus. Theia\'s womb will be a den soon."

"A den? Speak to me in a way I can understand."

"You are going to be an uncle." She laughs covering her mouth with her palms as tears of joy spew out her eyes and I stand there dazed unable to process her words. Even when Lumina binds her arms around my flesh and congratulates me I stand there limply in her hold as though my soul has been sucked out of my being.

Phobos.. It is the only thought my mind awakens to and my heart calls his name in a hauntingly melancholic whisper but my desperate call goes unanswered.