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Chapter 1109 - Forgetting Who I Am

"Big Brother, I wasn\'t trying to hide this from you. I just didn\'t have a chance to tell you properly. We only met for short bursts of time, so you wouldn\'t blame me for that, right?" The weight on her heart had finally lifted when she told him about her Perpetual Nirvana.

"You little fool, why would I blame you? I blame myself." He couldn\'t bear to hear of her hardship. He thought he had been in peril with the sovereign monitoring him the entire time he was in the palace. Little did he know that Feiling had undergone the process so many times while he was away, having her body scatter and reform. It was a terrifying tribulation and nobody who hadn\'t experienced it themselves would be able to fathom the pain and despair it entailed.

"It\'s no big deal. I’ll do my best and endure the next twenty times. I definitely won\'t disappear!" She confidently pumped her fist and smiled at him, though it looked a little goofy. "I may be a girl, but inside me dwells a macho man. Are you scared now?"

She raised her arm and showed him her flexed muscle, causing him to chuckle. He knew that this was her trying to lighten his mood and take his mind off of his worries, so he didn\'t mull over it. Perpetual Nirvana was her own tribulation, and it had something to do with Perpetia. Like the name suggested, if she wanted to survive it and live forever, she would have to undergo that repeated process. Nirvana was the realm after death, and it represented a refreshing of the self for the next life. Tianming didn\'t know too much about it and couldn\'t help her at all.

"Alright. If you can\'t hold on, I\'ll do what Master Ye did and start a harem of three thousand girls. I\'ll have a new girlfriend every day so that you\'ll be so mad you kick open your coffin to give me a beating," he said as he pinched her cheeks.

"You little!" she snapped.

"I don\'t have a choice. Without you, I\'ll be a pathetic nobody." Feiling had been his mental support ever since the two had left the Vermillion Bird kingdom. He couldn\'t even bear to imagine how heartbroken he would be on the day she turned into crystals and never reformed. "Ling\'er, the perfect future I envision can\'t not have you in it. It would be a nightmare otherwise."

He wanted to properly express his feelings, for whatever he said could become the strength she needed to last through her tribulation. The fact that she managed to survive thanks to the necklace, Ling\'er\'s Love, was a sign that he was an important anchor to her existence. Some minor embarrassment was trivial, compared to what it could do for her.

He pulled her into his embrace when he said that, placing his cheek against her hair and feeling her warmth. She was undoubtedly still alive. Though she was smiling, hearing that caused her eyes to tear up. There was no way she could be unafraid the entire way through. This was a matter of life and death, and through the countless times she had scattered and looked at the vortex of death above her, she could smell eternal death even though she didn\'t pass through it. Once she did, everything about her and her memories with Tianming would be reduced to nothing but ashes. Thus, she struggled with all her might to hold on. Each time it ended, she was left broken and crying, her soul shaken. Not a trace of beauty or elegance was visible on her. She would haggardly crawl out of the vortex of death if she had to, but she didn\'t tell Tianming about any of that.

Nobody knew that Perpetual Nirvana was an experience far worse than death; nobody but her. Reforming after scattering was painful in ways that only she knew. Surviving was far from easy, especially when her lifespan seemed to be running out around the age of twenty. Only by surviving could she continue feeling Tianming’s warmth against her, the man who saw her as more important than his own life. There was no way she didn\'t feel the same about her sudden scattering as he did.

She stretched her hand out and tightly tugged on his sleeve, as if she were afraid of drowning and struggling for help to no avail as she sank to the bottom. "There’s only twenty more times, then after that, two more cycles."

Tianming closed his eyes. Why did she have to suffer so much?

"If I can tough through the next twenty times, the other two cycles might not come all that soon. I can do it, trust me," she said firmly with a confidence that belied her true anxiety. "Big Brother, if I forget who I am one day, would you still love me?"

This was her other worry. She felt like she had one soul, but two personalities, and the other one was slowly awakening throughout this process.

"Do you know what I\'m most afraid of? I\'m worried that even if I survive the ordeal, I’ll no longer be myself. Am I merely helping someone that isn’t me revive?"

That person could be the city lord of Perpetia, the undying immortal.

"Do you remember what happened in the Tomb of the Ancients and the demon city?" Tianming asked.

"Of course. How could I forget?"

"We won\'t know who’ll prevail until the very last moment. Our destiny is more significant than this. Never doubt it. No matter who comes to block our way, we just have to wipe them out!"

Even though they were in real danger back at the tomb, they had still emerged victorious. He put his hand on her tightly clenched fist and twined his fingers with hers. Since the day their gazes had met, their yearning for one another had grown stronger and stronger. It was a different kind of willpower and imagination.

"If I ever stand at the top of the endlessly vast astralscape, I\'ll be able to control everything and my parents will have peace and be able to stand with me. The one I want beside me when I fulfill that dream is you alone. Nobody can take me from you!" He wanted to let her know his dedication.

"Okay." Tears welled up in her eyes. There were around twenty scatterings remaining. Though it was a daunting prospect, she seemed to relax somewhat, thanks to his encouragement, and looked less cold and empty than before. This was the real her—cute, beautiful, and feisty at some times but elegant at others. Her eyes sparkled like the clearest lake.

There were many other beautiful people in this world, but she was the only one who could leave home at the age of sixteen and endure hardship after hardship with him. This entire time, Tianming had neglected her peril thanks to being caught up with the matters of Lingfeng, his dynasty, Bodhi, and the divine moonrace. But now, almost all the other things had been dealt with.

He tightly held her hand and hugged her as if he was trying to pull her into his body, like that would prevent her from bubbling up and disappearing forever.

……

Theoretically, Tianming wasn\'t under any pressure now that he had repelled the divine moonrace from the continent and could leave Sovereign Xi to collapse on her own, but Lingfeng\'s whereabouts were still unknown. Every breath Tianming took without knowing where he was felt like the chances that he had perished had risen even more. So, he couldn\'t afford to passively wait. Thankfully, the situation was much better than it had been before, especially with Bodhi keeping the sovereign at bay. Not to mention, Tianming was much stronger than before.

What he didn\'t expect was that he would run into another huge descending army as he ascended to find a chance to save Lingfeng, and they seemed so widely scattered that it didn\'t look like there was any coordination at all! They numbered at least a hundred thousand, all of them being those who had just retreated, but numbered less than half their previous number.

"Are they coming to get themselves killed again?" Even if they split up, Tianming could deal with all of them as long as they were near the continent. "Thankfully the citizens haven\'t resettled in the cities yet!"

Having to return right after leaving put a bad taste in his mouth. Once more, he used Myriadsword Providence, fueled by the power of Omnisentient Threads, and prepared himself for their descent. With that, he was effectively able to have a grasp of the whole situation and turn the entire continent into a fortress. Little did he know that the sovereign had blended in with the rest to infiltrate the Flameyellow Continent.

The reason less than half of the two hundred and fifty thousand troops had come back down was because the sovereign hadn’t announced that she would be descending herself in order to prevent Bodhi\'s unfettered onslaught. As such, many who had witnessed the terror beforehand merely ignored her orders and ran, which only exacerbated her loss of credibility. There was no way she could kill all hundred thousand deserters, after all. She was already at her wits\' end and needed that single trump card to turn things around.